It makes sense that Abraham Lincoln, known for his youthful rail-splitting abilities, would be a top pick to take on vampires, as he does in the film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which opened last month.
But go back a generation and you’ll find that some of our local Founding Fathers (and one Mother) had the goods to take on an army of bloodsuckers.
You need a special skill set to fight vampires, as even the casual Buffy viewer knows. Washington has all those skills, says Dennis Pogue, vice president for preservation at Mount Vernon, George Washington’s historic home in Alexandria, Va. He’s 6 feet tall. He’s 200 pounds. He’s a good rider, he’s outdoorsy, he’s got a military background. And he’s got lots of swords and pointy objects he can use.
Washington wasn’t just a bewigged ball of colonial muscle: His military experience went beyond the battlefield.
One of Washington’s real strengths (was) his ability to coordinate activities, Pogue says, most notably an elaborate spy network that was key to his success in the Revolutionary War.
Jefferson was a pretty cerebral guy, says Will Mackintosh, assistant professor in the Department of History and American Studies at the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, Va. I wouldn’t think that hand-to-hand combat would be his forte.
But TJ could have been an important figure in an anti-vampire campaign.
Vampire fighting is often a collective activity, says Mackintosh. He was uncomfortable with the idea of the exceptional leader.
On the other hand, Mackintosh suggests Jefferson might be convinced to leave the sun behind. Like, permanently.
He overlaps a lot more closely with the vampire characters. He lives this sort of solitary life, he’s not known as an emotional character, and he’s so committed to that kind of enlightenment rationality. He might like to have all the time in the world just to build a really great library.
First things first: James Madison will not be kicking any butt.
He is not a physical force to be reckoned with, says Sean O’Brien, chief operating officer and executive vice president at Montpelier, Madison’s home near Orange, Va. Madison was between 5-foot-2 and 5-foot-6 and weighed 100 to 110 pounds.
But Madison is the only sitting president to ride into battle (at the Battle of Bladensburg during the War of 1812). He has the bravery to battle any foe, says O’Brien.
Still, combat isn’t where Madison’s strengths lie. He was really the consummate organizer. His behind-the-scenes work organizing all the colonies is what allowed us to create the Constitution.
Dolley Madison would be the forerunner of frivolously named women who are vampire slayers, says Catherine Allgor, professor of history at the University of California at Riverside.
Truthfully, the action part wouldn’t be her style. She was very in tune with people and very empathetic, so she would probably turn the tools of the vampire against them and kill them with kindness.
She wasn’t all sweetness, though. After the invasion of Washington (in 1814), she waited in the White House until the last moment, says Allgor. In preparation for this, she said to her cousin, Though I’m a Quaker, I always keep a Tunisian saber within reach.’
Upon her return to the smoldering city, when she saw the smoking ruins, she said, I wish we had 10,000 soldiers to sink our enemies into the bottomless pit ... I would have stayed in the castle with a cannon in every window, but they who should have put them there fled.’