So we here at the Ministry of Beaten Senseless Storylines have reviewed the remaining scripts for the upcoming Super Bowl, and we have an exciting announcement to make: Every potential matchup has possibilities for gloriously numbing overkill.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

The Giants vs. the Patriots.

The mother lode, right out of the gate.

You’ve got the whole Bill Belichick And Tom Brady Come To The City That Hates Them With The White-Hot Intensity Of A Thousand Suns angle. You’ve got its corollary, Bill And Tom Tell That City To Kiss Their Hindparts By Hoisting The Lombardi Trophy. You’ve got its further corollary, Indianapolis Roots For A New York Team, Forgetting That Whole Reggie Miller-Spike Lee Thing.

And then, of course, you’ve got the Mount Everest of hype: Eli Comes To His Brother’s Town To Win A Second Ring, Thereby Becoming The Pre-Eminent Manning In The House That The Formerly Pre-Eminent Manning Built.

Includes the obligatory Interview With Archie, the obligatory Interview With Olivia (who reveals that, yes, Eli really is her favorite) and the obligatory Interview With Peyton (who says, “If that little goofball doesn’t win, it’s Atomic Noogies for a week”).

The 49ers vs. the Ravens.

One word: HarBowl!

Jim vs. John. Brother vs. brother. Spy vs. spy.

Includes the obligatory Interview(s) With Tom Crean’s Wife (aka the Harbaugh Sister), the obligatory Interview(s) With Jack Harbaugh (aka the Harbaugh Dad) and the obligatory Interview With Everyone Who Remembers When Jim Harbaugh Played For The Colts.

Subsidiary storylines include Ed Reed Says His Dog’s A Better Quarterback Than Joe Flacco; Joe Flacco Tells Ed Reed To Stick It; and A Team From Baltimore Comes To Play For A Title In The City That Stole Its Other Team.

The 49ers vs. the Patriots.

For the Patriots: See above.

For the 49ers: See above, also.

Subsidiary storylines include You Stink, Brady; Why Bill Belichick Might Actually Be The Devil; and How Did Two Old Michigan Quarterbacks (Brady and Harbaugh) Wind Up Playing For A Super Bowl?

The Giants vs. the Ravens.

For the Giants: Manning, Manning, more Manning.

For the Ravens: A deeper look at how Indianapolis stole the Colts from Baltimore, including interviews with Tom Matte and a host of other bitter ex-Colts. Includes the supreme irony of Baltimore stealing Cleveland’s team after Indy stole its team.

Subsidiary storylines include The Third Manning, Cooper, Says Both His Brothers Are Goofballs; Justin Tuck Saying We’d Never Talk Junk About Our Quarterback The Way Ed Reed Talked Junk About His; and Yet Another Interview With Tom Crean’s Wife.

So there you have it, America: A veritable cornucopia of stuff you’ll be sick of reading about after three days or so, no matter who punches their tickets to Lucas Oil Stadium this weekend.

Now get out there and start hyping.