Q. I work in a job I really like, but one of my colleagues constantly bad-mouths other employees. I’m certain he disparages me when I’m not around.
I’ve been putting up with his gossip because he’s a close friend of the owner, but I’m tired of listening. How do I shut him down?
A. You can stop his behavior by making it unrewarding for him to continue dumping his negative views of others on you.
Your ability to stop him is unrelated to whether your colleague is a close friend of the owner or God.
People who bad-mouth typically feel powerless, resentful and disrespected. They are members of the misery loves company club. They want to bring other people down to the negative emotional level where they live. It’s tempting with gossipmongers to do to them what they do to everyone else. It’s tempting – and ineffective. Back-stabbing gossipers makes them feel worse. When they feel worse they bad-mouth all the more.
Instead, speak to your colleague as if he were a noble, honorable and courageous man. People hate to prove you wrong when you think well of them. The contrast between your positive perceptions and their actual behavior can make them squirmy – and thoughtful.
Next time your colleague starts his favorite monologue – stop him and say something like, “If you are concerned with the quality of other employees’ work, I know you would want to talk to them about it so they can fix it. I know you realize I can’t help you fix their mistakes and I’m just rotten at keeping secrets. I don’t want to make things worse by slipping up and letting them know you are unhappy with them.”
If your colleague continues, you can talk about being certain he is not trying to put you in the middle because he realizes that would make you uncomfortable.
Assure him you know he would not purposely want to make you uncomfortable. By this time, he should be solidly pausing.
That’s when you come up with something important to do and exit stage left.
You may have to repeat this every time he attempts to engage you in playing audience to his list of grievances. You don’t do him or yourself a favor by playing unwilling audience to behavior you don’t respect.
The last word(s)
Q. I think my boss is cute. Aren’t there situations where dating your boss is OK?
A. Yes, when you’re about to get a new job.
