“All the color drained from his face.”

Carol was describing how her husband, Duane, reacted when she busted him for soliciting women online.

It was a case of being blindsided.

“He’d been involved in the porn sites and dirty chat rooms for two years!” she said in our counseling session. “I told him that a part of me died when I found out. Everything I thought we had came crumbling down around me.”

She held nothing back: “I hate you! I hate that I feel this way and that you caused it!”

Carol then asked him point blank: “Do I need to be tested for an STD?”

His response: “Whatever you think you need to do, Carol.”

“No,” she said sternly. “The question requires a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer!”

He said “no.”

She was relieved ... somewhat.

In our session, she shook her head in disbelief.

“Duane went to dark places on the computer,” she said, “operating on a sleazy level. I thought I knew him. I keep asking myself: ‘Who is this person? Is this the man I share my bed with?’ ”

Carol sought counseling to help her through this crisis, “but it’s not my problem alone,” she said. “He needs to be on board with this ... not just me.”

When she left my office, she went home and promptly told him just that.

He resisted the idea.

Carol didn’t mince words. “You’re going!” she insisted. “Listen. The only reason I’m going and the only reason you’re going is because of your actions. So, buck up!”

He relented.

Fear played a huge role in Duane’s resistance to therapy. He expected to be scolded unmercifully by me.

In all actuality, I don’t think I could come anywhere near what Carol had already done to him. Or, for that matter, what he was doing to himself. His self-shame was immense.

After a few sessions of seeing them separately and as a couple, I was able to piece together how things went wrong.

Duane’s self-esteem took a hit when he lost his job. Carol, a successful career woman, picked up the slack.

Duane revealed in our sessions that losing his status as the main breadwinner was harder on him than he let on. And when a new job didn’t materialize for him, he felt increasingly useless to her.

He sunk into a depression and instead of sharing his inner distress with Carol or seeking professional help, he began to search outside their relationship for anything – anyone – that made him feel more “manly.”

The fact that Duane wasn’t inclined to talk over his insecurities with Carol is in part due to how men tend to handle their emotions in this society. They don’t. The other reason has to do with the rut Carol and Duane had constructed together over their 24-year marriage.

Like many couples, they fell into a stupor; that is, they merely went through the motions. Real conversations weren’t occurring; they stopped sharing on an intimate level. Yes, they still had a sex life, but it lacked intimacy.

There can’t be intimacy if sharing isn’t occurring on all levels.

Carol, like Duane, didn’t talk about her insecurities. In fact, she hid them – even from herself.

Up until now, Duane had always seen Carol as a rock. Rocks have their pluses, but let’s face it, they’re hard to get close to.

Their marital crisis changed all that. Carol discovered feelings she didn’t know she had.

“I felt like I had been kicked in the gut,” she said several months later. “And everything I thought about myself was shattered.”

As a child, Carol formed the notion that “you tough it out no matter what. If there’s a problem, take care of it and move on.”

But for the first time, that stiff-upper-lip philosophy didn’t work for her. She came face to face with her vulnerable self.

“I sat around crying all the time,” she said.

As a result, Duane saw how much Carol needed him – not as a breadwinner, but as her companion.

But more was required to repair the damage.

Duane had to get real and take responsibility.

“I was hooked and couldn’t stop,” he said.

His therapy included dealing with his addiction and opening up to Carol in a new way.

“I had to man up,” he said.

In their joint sessions, he expressed authentic remorse to her. She heard more than words. “I heard the pain in his heart for what he put me through,” she said.

Today, three years later, they look back and say: “We would never want to go through that again. But it shook us out of our sleep; we’re closer and happier now.”

They both tell me they look at each other with new eyes.